What are you doing to change your world?

Its been awhile. I’m starting to feel like all my blogs need to start this way because there seems to be such a large laps in-between each one. I can’t say that everything has been great since my last blog, but I can say that I have seen the hand of God in my life and in the life of my family more than I ever have before.
I wish I could say that life was all sunshine and roses, but that is so untrue. Yes we have our moments, sometimes hours, sometimes days and yes even sometimes weeks where it will seem like that. Being on the mountain top is a wonderful thing. But to get to the top of the mountain, you have to start at the bottom and work your way up. Now I’ve never climbed a mountain literally, I know SHOCK! HA But I do know that it takes a lot of sweat and sometimes blood and sometimes tears and sometimes you will fall and have to start over or it’s a little setback and you have to go back over some of the ground that you have just climbed, more than likely looking a little more carefully at places to grab on to and finding safe places to put your foot that will stabilize you for your next reach.
Life is so much like that. We can’t enjoy the mountain top times without going thru a valley and doing some climbing. But oh how beautiful it is and how victorious we feel when we can look back from where we came and look down on what we were going thru, our valley, and see the big picture to how we got to where we are. When we are up there we can look down and see where God’s hand was in our lives, and why we went thru some of the things that got us to where we are today.
The past few months have been really ruff on our family. To say that we are in the valley right now would be an understatement! My brother Jared was engaged to a wonderful young lady named Kayla Pack. (Some of you have kept up with the story I’m sure.) I had the chance to meet her once at my parents house. They had a small birthday party for Donavan and Jared brought Kayla. Kayla was so kind and brought Donavan a bubble blowing George for his bath, which Donavan fell inlove with! Kayla and I emailed back and forth quite a bit and of course Jared and my parents sang her praises whenever we talked. Jared told me he was ready to ask her to marry him and the future shined bright. I had went to her myspace to read anything she had about herself in there and her about me and who I would like to meet moved me, and I knew Kayla and Jared had a ministry together working with youth and children. That God’s hand was Def in this.
Then all came crashing down when Jared called to let us know that Kayla was being rushed to the hospital. I knew in my heart that this was it but I prayed and believed a miracle was around the corner and she would come out of it. Kelsey and I prayed and prayed, so much so that I would wake up with a jolt saying KAYLA and check the phone and email to make sure something hadn’t happened while I was asleep. I’ve never had that feeling before, but during it all there was this peace that no matter what happened God’s hand was in it and everything would turn out right. We called several ppl, put out several emails everywhere to everyone we knew asking for prayer and the emails and calls started rolling in saying I don’t know what it is about her but I feel connected to her and I know that God has his hand in this. The reports of things that were happening in others lives while they were praying for Kayla was amazing! And they aren’t over I’m sure.
During all of this Kels and I asked each other some serious questions. What kind of an impact have we made on our world? Would as many ppl care if it was one of us lying there? Would we be at peace with God knowing our future is in His hands and that we would be with him if that were the outcome?
Late one night I remembered reading Kayla’s myspace and what an impact it had made on me knowing what kind of a young woman she was and I decided to read it again and look into sending it out as an email to all who were praying for her. Her site is set to private and normally I would respect that as someone who didn’t want to be invaded but so many ppl were praying for her without knowing who she was and this explained her so well. As I sat there reading it, I started crying again and asked God why. I know we don’t understand why things happen but reading this God I can see perfectly the kind of ministry Kayla and Jared would have, how you would use them to reach children and young ppl. Its hard to find someone with a burden this strong Lord, surely Your plan is bigger than ours. And on I went trying to understand but knowing God’s way is always so perfect even when we can’t see it.
I never would of dreamed the phone would ring so soon with the sad news. My uncle called me and said, As of 4:30pm the state of Arkansas has pronounced her dead. And I looked at my clock and said, How can they do that its only 4:05pm!! Tim said umm Abby its after 5 here. (Of all times to have blond moments I know.)
To say I knew how Jared was feeling and how the family was feeling at that moment would be a lie. I am no stranger to death. Death has been at my door a few times to say the least. And to say that I know what kind of grief and pain that Jared and my family and Kayla’s family and friends were feeling at that moment wouldn’t be true either. But I do know what its like to have a dream die, to see future taken from you suddenly that I do know how it feels. To loose a daughter I know how that feels. To miss out on a wedding of your child and the birth of their children, to have the chance of being able to watch them grow to their full potential snatched away from you, I know how that feels. I know what its like to walk into a room that laughter will never ring the walls, that the clothes laying out and in the drawers and closet will never be warn, I know how that feels. To sit on a pew with tears rolling down your face holding a loved ones hand hoping its all a bad dream and someone will pinch you awake, pain so strong in your chest that it feels like someone has taken oxygen away from you and you are trying to breathe on your own and yet you feel numb from head to toe like you are living someone else’s life and why can’t you comfort them only to find out the one going thru the pain is yourself. Yes I do know what death is on a family.
We grieve for ourselves, because they are in no more pain nor will they ever have heartache or misery in their life ever again. I am not saying its selfish in the least because it isn’t. Just sometimes we get locked up in our grief for the moment the valley time if you want to call it that, and I think that’s ok. Jesus wept for his friend Lazarus when he was at his graveside. Jesus had lost someone He loved and wasn’t able to say good-bye. I know that story ends completely different than this one but at that moment Mary and Martha didn’t know that. They blamed God for not getting there sooner, and sometimes we do that too. I think its apart of the process, the need to lash out at someone in the midst of our pain. Sometimes grief is unbearable. One thing I learned is to embrace it as part of the healing process. Take a few minutes or however much time you need but set a limit and when that time is up each day, to set it aside as much as you can and to go on. Do something kind for yourself each day be it a walk or just time to read a book. Be a little selfish and call that friend who said is there anything I can do just let me know, and let them be there for you because trust me, there will come a time when you will need to be there for them! Don’t be afraid to set aside the grief everyday, just hold on to the fact that tomorrow you can embrace that pain again and let it out some more for a set amount of time. As the days slip away you will find that you don’t embrace the grief so readily because you have been working thru it all this time. I don’t know if that is what the pro’s tell you to do but I found it the best way instead of sitting around crying all day for days on end, ending up in depression and full of guilt for not doing anything because you sit around crying and you lock yourself in a room and don’t let anyone in to help. Rest assured the first of everything after a death is super hard, be it the first 24 hrs, to the first church service to the first holiday, they all hard. Then there are the times that it sneaks up on you when you expect it the least too. Writing down how you are feeling as often as you need to helps too. Everyone deals with pain differently I think is one thing to remember, just don’t hold it in because when it breaks out its usually worse than it would have been.
Going thru these valleys have a way of changing you. For some it makes you stronger, and for some it seems you just keep repeating the process over and over, you never make it to the mountain top. Even to this day I don’t understand some of the valley’s I’ve been thru. Maybe I haven’t reach the mountain top completely in all of the areas. Some of them I can look back and say OH that’s why! But others I may never know til I get to heaven and ask God. But I still trust him. No God doesn’t do things just the way I think they should be done. And no God doesn’t answer every why and how come. And yes sometimes he just says no or not yet or sorry I can’t tell you just trust me. Does that mean its always easy and I just walk away with a smile every time, absolutely not! But I have learned that if I trust in him and put my hand in his and sometimes say ok God just carry me because there is no way I can walk thru this, I have a peace that everything is going to work out. Oh how I wish I had all the answers to life’s questions and oh how I wish I had a secret salve for all the wounds that life hands out so readily, but sadly I don’t. There is a song that says sometimes God calms the storm and sometimes he calms me, and I think that wraps it up completely.
I don’t know the end of the story of Jared or my family or Kayla’s family. I don’t know if they all will come out of this without scars or bitterness or anger towards God. I pray they don’t but I don’t know that. But what I do know is that God is faithful. He loves Kayla so much more than we could of ever shown her. Yes she was and still is and would have been a great soul winner, but I think God knew that the life she lived here spoke loudly enough to us that in taking her lives would be changed and souls would be saved. Can you say that?
The Sunday after Kayla had passed away Bro Greg our pastor preached an awesome message and in it he talked about Kayla. I sat there with tears streaming down my face watching the alter fill up. Knowing that in her death her life was still changing ppl. What an awesome thing to be able to say. We don’t know when our last day is. One thing that was said Sunday was what if God wanted to take you this instant and the person sitting next to you is left behind ( its was where Peter is talking to Jesus and Jesus said you will die for my name) will you be upset because you were left behind and ask God why Lord why did you leave me and take him? And in that part I think it was in Luke, Jesus says what does it matter to you, if I take you now or let you live til I return? Just fallow me and do my work ( not how it was written out) That is some powerful statements, just do my work, keep preaching, keep teaching keep living a holy life for Christ’s sake.
Kayla didn’t just touch lives in Mena, or just in Arkansas. She touched lives all over the world and will continue to do so. I know she touched the lives of the Pentecostals Of Loveland, and we will never be the same because of it.
I know this blog is long, but I hope it stirs in you the challenge to change your world by BEING the change. Don’t wait on someone else.